TO QUOTE THE FULL HOUSE THEME SONG: EVERYWHERE I LOOK, EVERYWHERE I GO, I GET HEARTBURN (GET HEARTBURN)
- Jul 23, 2021
- 2 min read
by Shawn Berman
don’t feel the need to join in with me y’all because this isn’t a happy song that you’ll find
on any impeccably-curated
top indie road trip playlist brought to you by spotify user sunshinebb2002 or anything like that.
nah this is a sad song
a public service announcement if you will
about the horrors of not taking your health seriously.
more specifically this is about the horrors of stuffing your face with totinos pepperoni pizza bites at 3 in the morning and thinking nothing bad will happen to you when you wake up to go to work the next day.
i wish i had some sorta self control when it came to my late-night snacking but i’m a certified shmuck for those microwaveable carbs, their gooy insides effortlessly burning my mouth because i’m almost always too impatient to wait for them to cool down before eating.
it’s like those scientists say:
insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
but if that’s the case then how come when i ask you if everything is okay and you respond with yeah im fine and i accept that you’re fine at face-value,
you get mad and accuse me of not listening to your wants and needs, all because of some offhanded comment i made earlier that you didn’t like regarding fast and furious and how the franchise has gone downhill since becoming a big budget heist series.
that shit is confusing and i think you secretly thrive on a forever chaotic lifestyle that can break at any second and that’s a fact jack.
survey says: nothing to see here. this is a totally healthy relationship between two totally healthy people.
move along!!
Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. His book, Mr. Funnyman, has been nominated for no awards. Twitter: @sbb_writer.
