i’m into survival

by Vanessa Maki

Uliya Kurilova

when the trauma finds me / in my dreams / & starts stalking me / waiting to pounce / with razor fingers / & a chesire cat grin / i feel like i’ll never / escape / that i’ll disappear / even when i lay my head down / to rest / but then i remember / that i’m into survival / even when i’m tired of just surviving / & i won’t wait for someone / to wake me up / to save me / to cut the umbilical cord of trauma / til it reanimates / to pick me up / & carry me into consciousness again / no, i’m into survival / into saving myself / from myself / from the trauma / leaking from my wounds / i’m into taking the bars / off the windows / & leaping from them / landing on cold grass / feeling air in my lungs / & not being more destroyed / by the monsters / still following me / still denying their part in my story / i’m into not being confined / not being boxed in / like blk final girls / are in conformed minds / i’m into repeating the words: i take back every bit of energy i gave you. you’re nothing. you’re shit

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vanessa maki is a blk queer writer, author, & visual artist whose work has appeared or will appear in various places. She has self-published chapbooks & had 3 published this year (2020): the chosen one (Animal Heart Press), another final girl (Roaring Junior Press) & sweet like limes (Bone & Ink Press). Visit this link to find out more.