I Apologize for the Following

Feb 1, 2019
2 min read

by Missy LeDoux

I’m sorry I hope for ridiculous things, like perfect first kisses and cemetery picnics and impossible acts of redemption.

I apologize to the nihilists for my belief that everything always matters.

I’m sorry for calling anyone my best friend. Absolve me of all the loves I’ve quantified.

I’m sorry my skin is transparent, capillaries exposed. I wish that my blushes had more than one line of defense.

Forgive me for saying “I’m broken” when so many people are less whole than me.

I’m sorry I’ve never liked coffee. I fear my application for adulthood will come back in the mail, stamped NOT ENOUGH CAFFEINE.

I’m sorry for peeling the enamel off of my nails when I’m nervous. The scientific name for it is onychoschizia, but I just know my hands are growing weaker every day.

I’m sorry for peeling the skin off my lips when I’m thinking. Millions of epithelial cells are dying because I can’t shake this nervous tick.

I’m sorry for the poetry I’ve grafted and sewn on like stolen skin.

I’m sorry for the jokes I’ve plagiarized and the authors I misquote again and again.

I’m sorry for crediting my parents only when I see their faults in me.

I’m sorry for the conversations I’ve overheard

I’m sorry for commenting

I’m sorry for not commenting

I’m sorry for knowing your girlfriend is cheating when I’m not the one you were venting to

I’m sorry for regretting everything I say and do

I’m sorry I scored 98 percent turbulent on one of those personality tests—98 percent of me is uncertain all of the time. Or is all of me uncertain 98 percent of the time? I don’t know.

I’m sorry for visiting graveyards when no one has died. I know I should leave death alone for as long as I can, but I just keep reading gravestone after gravestone hoping to find the one that says FORGIVEN

Missy LeDoux studied English at Corban University, where she fostered interests in poetry, theology, and neuroscience. She works at a Portland tech company by day, and moonlights editing academic papers and seeking refuge in the arts.