Disturbing Animal Facts

by Aimee Parkison and Meg Pokrass

Isabel Galvez

1. Blue Whale Babies Weigh up to 7 Tonnes at Birth

Her baby was born with hunger. Could never get enough milk. The doctors said nothing. They watched and weighed him and gawked. They took photos. “He is so hungry,” the mother said. The doctors agreed. When the baby could not stop sucking, would suckle all day and night, she cried. The baby grew as big and as a small Blue Whale. Had four chins. The only people who could bear to look at him were doctors and journalists. The baby’s grandmother cried and said, “I can’t even pick him up.” The media circus surrounding the baby made the mother depressed. Her breasts grew as big as the baby.

2. Female Octopuses Have Unrealistic Dreams

They grow up with enormous potential, capable of anything. Yet many, in their early lives, are ambushed and fall prey to the wrong eight arms. “If you can’t hide under a rock somewhere, hide in front,” their mothers say, leading their daughters astray. When a hunting male octopus sees an unhidden female at a distance, he compresses himself and creeps up, extends an arm, pretending to be sympathetic. Hello, Serious, he says. This is how sneaky male octopi are.

Throughout her lifespan, a female remains a permeable lover, empathetic and dreamy. At various points, she will do nearly anything to appeal to the wrong eight arms. When mature, they often become sad and dazed, hanging out on a low sea- shelf—collecting obscure debris. Not only do they cherish their debris collections, they will shuttle the bits around and attempt to build homes from it.

One noted Inkfish scientist recently concluded that the older octopus females “remind one of the Beatles song, Eleanor Rigby,” but her account was written off as silly and sentimental as she herself had never been married.

3. A Female Cod Can Lay up to 9 Million Eggs

She felt tired and hungry. She knew she was pregnant. She knew there were many babies inside her. She was afraid to find out how many, but finally went to the doctor. The doctor said, this is impossible. She was told that she had nine million babies inside of her. Her womb held a continent. She was worried. Didn’t know how to buy enough supplies or where to get them affordably. She put an ad in Craigslist, asking for donations. The ad said, “Millions of cribs and supplies needed ASAP.” She got a lot of responses. Most of them were men who asked for photos of her, naked.

4. Snakes Can See through Their Eyelids

She could see a vague outline of the man’s penis, the way it lay to one side all quiet and calm while he waited in the order here line. She was not interested in him sexually. She was much, much older than him, of course. She decided to call the man “Kevin.”

She thought “Kevin” seemed very nice and admired the way he dressed. She wondered if he had a name for his penis. Would she name a penis if she had one? If she were Kevin, all cute in corduroys and a vest? She would, of course. Something British and proper. Reginald! Reginald was a great penis name. She imagined Reginald sidling next to Kevin and a British Labrador Retriever on leash. What would Kevin’s dog be called? Something traditional. A well-bred male dog, a yellow Labrador. William! William would have a penis too.

She smiled at the man from a far corner of her face. He was at the front of the line now and it was time for him to order. “A double with twice the cheese and extra fries,” he said. She decided his name was probably not Kevin after all.

5. Sarcoid Guver Snails Impregnate Ravenous Females in Super Taster Orgies Called Cluster-Fuchs

While grinding the corn, she experienced the sense of taste with far greater intensity, leading to highly selective eating during an orgy of gourmet foods. Any bitter food like dark-roast coffee, especially Starbucks with its illicit yet infamous smoky flavour, was out of the question to the point that a Mochaccino Vente Triple Expresso Crown Royal became the stuff of urban legends all during her pregnancy. Every time she passed by a Starbucks, she remembered a certain haunting aftertaste and how the warmly foreboding orgy left a frothy fishiness in her mouth like a remora after every deliciously robust coital act followed a post-coital throbbing sensation during peak ovulation. Now, the baby leapt inside her every time she laid eyes on a barista. She imagined ordering a Unicorn Frappuccino just to be cruel, but she wondered whom she would be punishing more—herself, her unborn, or the barista.

6. Yondermuflin Pangolins Regrow Thicker Hymens after Giving Birth

Having no use for a thinnish hymen, she was pleased to know hers would grow back thicker every time. With each birth, her hymen growth accelerated along with its impressive thickness. No more preserving the puny thinnish hymen of the virginal, she would now sport the massive armour of a thick hymen nearly impenetrable so that giving birth would revirginize her to the extreme. She could smile knowing that after successive labours she would be more of a virgin than those who claimed to be saving themselves for “someone special.”

7. Elephant Owl Dwarf Mothers Practice Vaginal Rejuvenation through Regurgitation

Every time my mate tosses his cookies on me, I become like the young girl he once fell in love with when we are alone in the night. I feel so proud and stretchy as if I have just laid the largest egg of our nest, our bed. When he drinks too much Tequila and vomits on me in the night, I feel as if a certain part of my body has been bathed in the fountain of youth. He apologizes profusely in the morning, ashamed all the more because I’m expecting, yet he has no idea what he has done to me or why I love him even more, no apology necessary.

8. Male Cresap Caterpillars Have a Real Penis Hidden inside a False Penis Called a Flapenis

Because we’ve been married so long and I’m with child, he uses his fake penis on me. That’s what a man’s fake penis is for, he claims, to use on a wife. He hides his real penis from me, saving it for another girl who is like a stranger to him. At night, I see her in my dreams and she asks me about something she calls a “flapenis.” Because she is a stranger to me and has such a beautiful face, I tell her everything I’ve ever wanted to confess to the people I’ve loved, all the secrets I have always been afraid to tell because they know me too well.

9. Beer Wolf Hyenas Practice Male and Female Circumcision during Lunar Eclipse

No one wants to talk about blood during an eclipse. Because we value each other and our bodies, we endure propriety. So much blood is shed to prevent bloodshed. So much violence to ensure decorum. Being pregnant now, I question everything in silence. During the eclipse, will I trust you enough to ask why babies are born intact and why the shadow falls over the moon?

10. Pope Penis Octopi Use Gamma Rays to Take Oceanic Selfies Resembling Dick Pics

There’s nothing but dick pics on my smart phone, so I’m beginning to think “smart phone” is a misnomer. Thousands of dick pics do not make a phone intelligent. I stare at them sometimes and wonder why they begin to resemble oceanic creatures, one eyed, soft yet hard, pink and white and purple and brown, all of the same species but all slightly different shapes and sizes and colours. They are evidence of another life, and that life is fading. I can’t remember most of the names of the men who sent me these images. Why should I? I doubt they remember my name. Men who show women their dicks before getting to know the women have no interest in remembering the women’s names. Men take comfort in forgetting, though dick pics last forever. It’s like a game of memory I keep losing with myself because I was such a popular girl, far too popular. I suppose I’ll have to delete all these dick pics once the baby is born.

11. Mally Cat Squirrels Shed STDs by Juggling Large Testicles

I only pretend to be entertained and amused by my husband, the juggler. I’m too tired after feeding and changing our baby and putting our baby to bed to have a real conversation with him ever again. He doesn’t even notice I don’t talk anymore. He only wants me to watch him play with his balls. That’s the problem with marrying a juggler. A juggler needs an audience, even if it’s only an audience of one. I’m worried he’ll wake the baby if he drops a ball, so I cheer him on, and he keeps juggling his balls late into the night, content to perform for my reaction to his performance.

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Aimee Parkison is the author five books of fiction, including Refrigerated Music for a Gleaming Woman, which won the FC2 Catherine Doctorow Innovative Fiction Prize. Parkison has been published in numerous literary journals. She is full Professor of English in the Creative Writing Program at Oklahoma State University. Find out more at www.aimeeparkison.com

Meg Pokrass is the author of five flash fiction collections and a book of prose poetry, Cellulose Pajamas, for which she received the Blue Light Book Award. Her work has been widely internationally anthologized, most recently in New Micro (W.W. Norton & Co., 2018), Flash Fiction International (W.W. Norton & Co., 2015) and The Best Small Fictions 2018, 2019. She serves as Founding Co-Editor of Best Microfiction 2020 and teaches flash fiction online and in person. Find out more at megpokrass.com.